so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
