WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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