i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
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