On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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