Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize