I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
