I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
