i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
