I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
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