He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
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