I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
