Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
