do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
