I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
