A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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