Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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