watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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