Only a mothe r could love this liver
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I can't turn off my feet"
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
