i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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