hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
