How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
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This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
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I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
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