I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
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