2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Randomize
