I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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