moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
