you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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