I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
