Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
