So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
