In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
