This dress was meant to end up on your floor
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
