Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
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I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
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dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
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