I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
