Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
