Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I didn't shave. On purpose
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
