Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
