I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
So many bounce houses so little time
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
