plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
