I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
