i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
