Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
