I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
My vagina is officially offended.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
