I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
