Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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