Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
