You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
