I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
