My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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