Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
