I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
