He uses pillows to masturbate.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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