he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
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