If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
