i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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