if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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