I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
