When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
