Tell her she can't have a vagina
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
